Grief

Nicole Carlson
July 24, 2025

We all experience grief. Our grief can take many forms over our lifetimes, from the grief of losing a loved one, to grief coming from a loss of self following illness, aging, or trauma. We also experience collective grief, sometimes inherited from our ancestors, and sometimes from our communities or from the earth herself. Whatever your particular sources of grief, the Buddha reminded us that no one escapes grieving. Further, he encouraged us to regularly contemplate grief as a way of cultivating freedom and joy. How can grief cultivate joy? Through acceptance. The Buddha taught that grief offers us the chance to deeply experience life—if we can open to it. After all, life is made up of both joys and sorrows, and if we shut ourselves off from sorrow, we are missing big parts of our life.

Of course, opening to grief and sorrow in our lives is easier said than done. With our regular ways of reacting to pain, grief provokes an automatic backing away. So how do we start to open to grief, and in the process to more fully open to our lives? Like everything else, we start small and strengthen our capacity over time. We practice first with everyday losses—a favorite bowl breaking, small physical injuries, not getting a promotion at work. Staying in the present moment, we learn to meet our small losses with compassion, just ‘being with’ the emotions that may accompany them. We look for ways to share grief as a communal experience and in benevolent solitude, using ritual and surrender to help us along our way. Over time, we can deepen our acceptance of loss by allowing grief to be simple, rather than making our losses into a problem to be solved, or a state to be judged. With this acceptance, we increase our capacity for love and compassion—towards ourselves, and others—as we begin to trust that “freedom and joy are possible in the face of the sufferings of human life,” as Jack Kornfield described in his book, The Wise Heart.

To assist people in the work of accepting grief and opening to the whole of their lives, the Buddha recommended that we regularly remind ourselves that these losses are normal by reflecting on 5 simple phrases called the 5 Remembrances. I’ve seen people paste these on their mirror, so they see them first thing in the morning, or recite them before their daily meditation. However you incorporate these reflections in your life, they point to a way through joy and sorrow in life, to acceptance.

5 Reflections (Remembrances) -

The Upa-jjhatthana Sutta ("Subjects for Contemplation") - AN 57

1. I am of the nature to grow old; there is no way to escape growing old.

2. I am of the nature to have ill health; there is no way to escape having ill health.

3. I am of the nature to die; there is no way to escape death.

4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.

5. 5. I am heir to my karma. I am the owner and beneficiary of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand. I am born of my actions. I am related to my actions. I am supported by my actions. Any thoughts, words or deeds I do, good or evil, those I will inherit.